I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
