i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
