I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
