the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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