her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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