"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
