So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
