Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
