I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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