My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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