First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
