I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Your dad touched me again.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
