My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
