Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Let's get the cat blown out
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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