I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
