They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
