you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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