The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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