Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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