i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
