i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
