I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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