if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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