I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
