so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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