I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
