Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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