I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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