Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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