Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
