im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
