Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize