My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
