Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
