He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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