In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
