My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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