I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
