Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
