On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
