if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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