his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
