When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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