Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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