Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
