U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
