There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize
