saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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