i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
