Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
