ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
