Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
