Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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