u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
