That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
