im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
