Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
