Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
