Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
